Harry Potter and The Shotgun Wars
by Glato Everlark
Summary: What Harry and friends do when they gang up and get guns...


THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS OF HARRY POTTER...

Harry Potter was running around Hogwarts like a headless chicken because he not only didn't have the Deathstick, his wand snapped into two. He pummeled straight into Alecto and went to Luna Lovegood. "Blast!" she cried. "You bloody messed up my Potions homework!" Harry started fuming.

"Luna! You of all people shouldn't do Potions homework! He kidnapped you, that Snake man!" Luna burst out laughing. "If only you knew, Harry. He gave me pumpkin trinkets and we sang Susan Boyle songs. It was quite fascinating." Harry couldn't register what she just said. Susan Boyle was the most muggly of all muggles and yet Snape listened to Susan Boyle.

"Susan Boyle?" Harry Potter questioned warily. Luna paled. "It's confidential. Anyhow, Harry, what do you want?" He took a breath. "Luna, I'm going to kill Voldemort under cover and you shan't tell a soul. Understood?" Luna nodded.

Just minutes later, a flushed Ron and Hermione run up to Harry. "Harry!" Ron yells, cradling a gun with an incredulous look plastered on face. "You won't believe it! I got tripped by a dead squirrel except that dead squirrel wasn't a dead squirrel but a bangstick! Muggles use it to kill themselves!"

Hermione giggled. "Ron means 'gun', not 'bangstick'. Anyhow, we can use this to kill Voldemort! We Imperialize the muggles into giving us guns, and trust me, they're better than a thousand Deathsticks combined!" This was good news. "Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble, but Moldy Voldy will be here any second."

"Oh, please, don't be silly," Luna chided. "Without flossing his foot fungus and a bubble bath and three episodes of Teletubbies, he never leaves his dump." Luna paled again. "T-that was also confidential..." and luckily for them, Luna sucked at keeping the Death Eaters' secrets.

SEVERAL HOURS AND GUNS LATER...

"This is great!" Ron yelled with seven guns in his hands. "I can work a muggle-made contraption. Daddy will be jealous, I know it!" Hogwarts came into view and Ginny came up to them with a Desert Eagle whereas they had lame chauchat guns, fresh from the World War II museum .

"Er, Ginny, where'd you get that?" Hermione asked, scared. "Oh, I stole it from a panicked Death Eater," she answered casually. "You know, you aren't the only ones using guns. Bellatrix happened to be a total hypocrite to wizards and knows quite a bit about muggles... including their bangsticks."

As if on cue, there was a huge BOOM! and one yelled "I've been hit!" and another yelled "not my son, you b-tch!" Just as Harry Potter was about to embark on a journey J K Rowling already wrote ages ago, Death Eaters rounded on Ginny, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Luna. They tried to keep cool and then panicked 'cause who were they kidding?

The Death Eaters were falling over with laughter until Tarzan came out of nowhere. "Master of Herbology!" Wailed Neville, "at Harry's heel! _Crucio!_" Neville smashed one Death Eater with his butt and hurt one with the Cruciatus curse. The other three behind a bush to press their Dark Marks, for they had news to tell their lord.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Voldemort came to the Hogwarts battle field with Darth Vader pajamas and a teddy bear with a snake nose. "What is all this rubbish?" Voldemort asked, waving the teddy bear in the air. Half the first years burst into uneasy tears and the other half stifled laughter. And just then, Voldemort realize the state he was in. Darth Vader pajamas! How muggly/ geeky was that?

Voldemort wasn't gonna fight looking like a fool especially with Harry Potter 10 yards away with his cronies, chortling. So as his Death Eaters bowed in front of him, he stripped himself until he was in a Calvin Klien- For Villains underwear.

The Death Eaters hid their embarrassment by clearing their throats or tearing blades of grass. Bellatrix, however, looks as if she'd seen an Adonis and murmured "bravo..." in a catlike purr. The sight of Voldemort's hairless, old man legs, scaly body, and weak snake physique would've made Hagrid puke, but in Bellatrix's eyes, she saw Taylor Lautner.

"Now, the show must go on, dears," said Voldemort in a voice Robin Hood would've used towards the King. "Now go kill Harry Potter!" The Death Eaters snapped out of their horror and grabbed their Desert Eagles. But Harry Potter and the others (Luna, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, and Neville) were quicker: with one swift click, six well-aimed bullets from well- outdated guns shot the Dark Lord.

Halfway through humming "What Makes You Beautiful", Alecto screamed when she realized Voldemort's been shot. "NOOOOOO! Truce! Our Dark Lord is dead! We owe him a tribute. Dumbledore's Army all giggled, sounding like the good witch. "Oh silly Alecto," Seamus said through a festive grin, "we deserve a party!"

As if on cue, Peeves and other poltergeists, the House Ghosts, and the KPOP band 2NE1 jumped out of the bushes yelling "PPAAAARRRTTTTTAAAAAYYY!" 2NE1 broke into "Let's Go Party" and then came the Knights of Templar. That scared many wizard party goers but they were there to torture the Death Eaters.

Bellatrix squirmed under the grip of the Knight. "Arrgghhh... Harry Ho Potter... it is not over..." she got slugged with a club and a kegger came in with firewhiskey, cheering.

Neville summed up the courage to grab his wand, and he yelled "CRUCIOOOOOOOOO!" and Thicknesse, the Head of Ministry of Magic, didn't even stop him. Instead he pulled out fireworks and lit them. The dementors came to kiss the Death Eaters and Kate Middleton and Prince William came with trinkets, discussing recipes with Miss Weasley.

And that festive evening went on and on and on...


End file.
